Sunday, 27 May 2018

How I learned to Overcome the fear of Love & Relationships


In a Whatsapp group I belong to, someone shared a story of how she’s afraid to have a relationship; a relationship in this sense; between a man & a woman.

At the time she shared her fears, I didn’t comment because I felt other people had done justice to her question.

But thinking about it later, I wish I had because I had once been that girl and sometimes I am still that girl who once feared the opposite sex, going into relationships, getting married, the whole nine yards.

But before I share how I’ve been able to overcome these fears, let me share a little background story as to what fueled these fears. 

First, I didn’t see any godly and great examples of marriages I wanted to model mine after. I just felt with the type of examples I am seeing around me, I didn’t want to get married.

Secondly, right from my childhood, I had always lived a shielded life and from when I started becoming a woman, I had always been told that boys were bad and I should stay away from them. So I approached the male gender with extreme caution. And maybe because I had little expectations of them, I wasn’t lucky with relationships. 

Thirdly, I was afraid of dating because I felt that I would lose my virginity. I was so afraid of having premarital sex that I refused to have anything to do with men. 

It’s important I state what fueled my fears because every fear is fed by something and to overcome it, you have to know these fuels and starve them.
Now that I have gotten that out of the way, here’s how I was able to overcome my fears.

First, I began to see godly examples of marriage, but the Lord had to step in to help me with this. He took me places where I saw the type of marriage I wanted to model mine after.

The truth is, if you recognize something as bad that means you know what the good one looks like.

I had to consciously drown out the negative examples I had seen and focus on the great, good ones I was seeing.

The truth is, you have to consciously retrain your mind to focus on the good and positive and not on the bad.

Secondly, I had to take stock and ask myself, if I had a pattern of wrong & faulty relationships, what is the cause? And deal with it. And then the fact that one man who probably didn’t know better behaved wrongly; that is not a yardstick to judge other men.

There are bad boys, yes, but there are definitely good and godly men and I told myself and continually still tell myself that even if there’s only one good man left, I am going to get him.

Thirdly, I realised that it is possible to have a godly relationship, a relationship where premarital sex is not part of the equation. Because I was depending on my own strength and ability and not on the grace & strength of God that was why I felt there couldn’t be any relationship without sex being part of it. 

By strength shall no man prevail! So if you depend on your own ability, you will fail.

Relying on the grace of God and setting boundaries helped me in overcoming this fear. 

I told every prospective date, that we wouldn’t have sex until we were married, and we set strict boundaries with respect to that.

I have realised that some of our experiences or experiences of those around us can inform our fears. 

If there’s a pattern of wrong/faulty relationships in your life or in your family, then you have to stand on the authority you have been given by Christ and break these wrong patterns.

You shouldn’t be afraid, the fact that it happened to someone you know doesn’t mean it will happen to you. Because it happened to your mother, sister, or a family member, or friend doesn’t mean it will happen to you.

You may share the same bloodline, but their experiences don’t have to be yours. 

You can break the pattern of wrong relationships and wrong marriages.

It is only what you allow and permits that will happen to you.

Break out of the bondage of fear. The devil will keep having a field day in your life as long as you continue to live in fear and let it control you. 

Fear will keep you in bondage, restricting you from living the life God ordained for you.

Starve what feeds your fear. Stop reading and focusing on sad stories of bad marriages on social media.

If you have to leave a particular environment, leave! Let go of whatever is toxic to you.

Drown out every negativity. Confess and speak positively into your life. Feed your mind with the Word of God and declare what His Word says about your life.

Choose to focus on the positives. There are great and godly marriages around us; focus on that. If you have to ask them how they did and how they do it, please ask. 

Put your trust in the Lord and ask Him for wisdom to make the right choices.

In rounding this up, I have to say that sometimes the fear crawls in but I fight it by my trust and faith in the Lord. I trust that as He leads and directs me I will not make a mistake in marriage.

To do this, I often cast my mind back on the very many times He has saved me from wrong relationships.

For example, I would be dating a guy who I know is not the right one but I would refuse to break up or leave but the Lord does it for me. 

If he can deliver me from toxic relationships then I know saving me from entering a disastrous marriage is no big deal for Him.

There’s a prayer I always pray, Father do not let me love the wrong person. Don’t let me invest my emotions in a wrong person; I think you should pray that prayer too. He has always answered and He will surely answer you.

He never fails and even if He will, He’s not going to start with me or you.

Hand over your life and your relationship to the Lord; trust Him to take care of you.

Though I am not yet married, I trust that the Lord will lead me to the right man. I am not afraid. My life is in his hands. 

Don’t forget that love and Marriage are God’s idea and you will do it right. Believe that.

I wrote this article for those who are afraid of relationships and marriage and I hope reading my story has been able to help you.

If it has, kindly do me a favour by sharing this on social media. Thank you for reading. 

I wish you all a fabulous week ahead.



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Great Lady
Great Lady

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