WHY DO VICTIMS STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGE?

by - 21:58:00





This is a question I keep asking myself and people around and till date, I haven’t gotten a reasonable answer. It beats me why someone will stay in an abusive relationship. The irony of it all is; the abuser is always someone who claims to love the victim.

Most often times, victims say they stay because of their kids, but these same kids are the reason why you should leave in the first place. If the man eventually kills you who will take care of your children? Even if you don’t die, the emotional trauma and hurt those kids feel is not something you will want for them.

When someone who you love and who claims to love you starts behaving like a monster, then it is time to reassess the relationship. One important thing to note is; abuse is not only physical. It can be emotional, financial and even verbal abuse.

Staying in an abusive relationship is so hard for me to understand, maybe because of the type of person I am. I cannot withstand maltreatment or a harsh environment. Once an environment becomes unhealthy or a person becomes toxic I get myself out of such a relationship or situation. I’m so adverse to unpleasant things that I find it difficult to understand why a person stays in the midst of abuse.

One funny thing is that most victims always go back to their abuser; they would prefer to be beaten and stay married than get out of the abusive relationship and be single; honestly, that alone irks me. Is it the desperation for marriage?

What baffles me the most is when celebs are also victims of abuse and they stay. I feel like if anyone should leave an abusive relationship it should be them. They have the money and the connection to be able to leave and care for themselves.

I can understand the fact that our society is not sympathetic to victims or women who flee an abusive marriage. It would interest you to know that even in the church; where you think you will get support, you will still hear statements like God hates divorce, Go back to your husband, Pray for him etc. So I can understand when a victim is scared of what people will say. But what is important here is not what society will say but your sanity, your life and that of your kids. 

I have discovered that the more you stay in an abusive environment, the more your self-esteem and your dignity will erode till your self-esteem becomes zero. Not only would you have a zero self-esteem, you also lose yourself; you lose the essence of who you are. Please don’t let anyone do that to you, regardless of who the person is. If you’re looking for support, you may not find it. It’s so unfortunate that family, the church, society may end up blaming you. So you need to have an inner strength and courage to face life. 

I love the fact that social media is bringing these issues to the limelight. Domestic violence has been going on for years and the penetrators were going scot-free but I’m happy social media has made it easier for victims to cry out and seek help and the penetrators to be punished. 

I remember a story I was told of a Pastor who flogged his wife every night for varying offenses she committed during the day. He flogged her with a very long cane while everyone was asleep. Before he flogged her, he would read a bible verse first as an evidence of her sin and then say the sinner should not go unpunished. When the idiot was accosted, he said he was correcting her, the way a father would correct an errant child. The funny part; his wife never left.

Love is not supposed to hurt. When God created Love in all its types and forms, he didn’t intend for it to be a painful thing. 

Why do victims stay in abusive relationships or marriages, I do not know. I wish I could speak to a domestic violence survivor and get his/her own perspective.  

Honestly, can someone make me understand? Hit me in the comment section.

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2 comments

  1. This is a million dollar question and I guess it can never be answered because no matter how much we try to analyze it, we are only outsiders and are not in the situation. People have different reasons, some truly believe their spouse will change, or the devil you know. I think domestic violence is so deep rooted in Nigeria, a good percentage of Nigerian marriages have suffered some kind of violence in one way or another.
    I think speaking about it will give people more confidence not just to accept any situation but will be able to move out. Trust me not just church, sometimes family will ask you to stay put and pray, they will tell you how a wise woman builds her home .
    Anyway let me stop here, I am talking too much...lol

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    Replies
    1. Lol, babe you're not talking too much. It's so sad the culture of smiling and crying in the name of marriage. I agree with you, maybe speaking about it will give people confidence in leaving abusive relationships.
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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