WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

by - 15:02:00



I stumbled upon this picture on Stella Dimoko's blog and I was enraged. I don’t think I have ever been this angry in a long while. Can you just imagine the nonsense this man wrote? Unfortunately, some people still think like this.

Late last year, I and some friends (guys) were talking about domestic violence in marriage and one of them said there’s no big deal in beating a woman; that when a woman errs, her husband should beat her as a way of correcting her. I was beyond shocked. 

I then asked him so when you err, who will beat you? And he started laughing. I asked him whether he was her father and he said yes; that as soon as you marry a woman, the husband becomes her father and her everything. Unfortunately, the other friend agreed with him. 

My colleague who was listening to our conversation said he witnessed a wedding where the groom slapped his bride (this happened just before the couple’s reception) and the bride slapped him back. 

My friend was so angry that why would a woman lift her hand to slap a man. That it doesn’t matter what the man did, if he slapped her then she must have deserved it. Imagine such nonsense!

I told them I am not an advocate for domestic violence but if a man slaps you as a woman and you have hands, you better give him his own back and run away from there immediately.

I told my friend how disappointed I was with him, that he has such mentality. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for his fiancé. 

It’s so unfortunate the entitlement mentality some men have over their wives like she’s some form of property that has been acquired and should be treated as they like. This sort of mentality is not limited to the secular world but even with Christians. Some years ago when I was in bible school, there was a day when we were discussing marriage.

A question was asked and in answering it, a Pastor said once he marries a woman, she becomes his property; after all, he paid her bride price. The lecturer couldn’t hide her disgust and after that day, I distanced myself from him (the Pastor).

I’m so angry typing this, but one would wonder why some men feel like they are God’s gift to women. Maybe when society stop worshipping marriage(like it’s the ticket to heaven) or when begging someone for marriage would be a thing of the past, maybe these types of talk, mentalities and behaviours would stop. I’m not against marriage oh, nah; what I am against is abuse in marriage, pressures etc.

I don’t know if it is just me, but I have noticed that marriages formed out of pressure always results to one form of abuse or the other. I have always said it when you are under pressure is the wrong time to decide who to marry.

Are there signs to recognise domestic violence?

I strongly believe that there are signs of violence; it’s rare for a man to just become a monster suddenly after marriage; he must have been exhibiting signs of domestic violence, but we choose to ignore. For example, if a guy slaps you in courtship or before you guys get married, better believe it; he will beat you in marriage.

What are signs of domestic violence?

1.    Extreme jealousy. Your man must not see you talking with another guy (no matter who the person is).

2.    Insecurity: demands to know every caller that calls you, who you call, who you talk to, where you go.

3.    Overprotection: follows you everywhere or sends someone to. 

4.    Bad and unpredictable anger. 

5.    Emotional instability.

6.    Guilt trapping you: making you feel like you’re always the problem.

7.    Verbally abuses you.

8.    Controlling and Manipulating.

9.    Does not celebrate your successes.

10.    Threatens to kill himself if you leave.

11.    Makes you feel like you are not good enough, e.g.  You feel you have to change your dressing, hair, do certain things just to please him/her.

12.    Belittling and humiliating you in public.

13.    Alienates you from friends and family.

14.    Physically destroying things when angry.

Other pertinent questions to ask yourself are, Are you afraid of him/her? Does he/she threatens you? 

If the person you are in a relationship exhibits the above signs, it’s time to leave that relationship now. If you do continue, you may well say hello to domestic violence.

I would like us to know that domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse, there’s also emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse as well. 

More often than not, ladies with low self-esteem are the ones who enter/stay in abusive relationships. I would recommend that before getting into a relationship, be secure in who you are first, don’t make anyone the center of your life except God. Let no one be the source of your happiness. Celebrate and love yourself first, if you don’t know one will do that for you.

Before you get into a relationship, be alone not lonely. To understand this better, CLICK HERE. Be complete and whole. Find out your purpose on earth, for when the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable. 

Dear husband; your wife is not your property. So you paid the bride price, big deal? You’re not the first neither will you be the last. A wife is to be a helpmeet to her husband if you don’t value and recognize her role in your life, how would you move forward, how would your life progress?

Please if you’re in an abusive relationship, leave now. Make no excuses for your partner’s behavior and please don’t buy that bullshit that says you’re the cause. Everyone on planet earth is responsible for his/her behavior. The society places a high value on marriage so they may call you weak or family will say go back, but your life and sanity is much more important than what people would say.

Domestic violence is real, it is not some type of mirage. It happens to people around us, people who may not be willing to speak. It is high time we stamp abusive behaviours from around us. 

Thank you for reading, I would appreciate your thoughts on this issue.

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